Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The sun will come out...

tomorrow.  And it has.  Thanks to all of you who encouraged me via note or message or email after my last post.  I was really "overwhelmed" by all of your kind, sincere words of encouragement.  It means a lot to me.  I already feel like the clouds have parted and I can see a ray of sunshine.  Nothing has really changed about my daily life.  My children are still the same :)  But, I am encouraged and I am trying, with God's help, to have a different attitude and perspective about my days and this particular season.  I know the word "season" can sound so trite and overused but once you become a parent you realize there are very distinct seasons in your life with children.  I usually say every six months you are in a totally new season with your kids.  Someone is now sleeping through the night or walking, or talking, or potty training, or starting pre-school, or becoming more independent and thoughtful, etc.  You get the idea.

Anyways,  I don't want to come out preachy on this topic like I've mastered it by any means (!!!) but I have realized that so much of the atmosphere in my home depends directly on my attitude.  If I fall prey to pity partys, defeated thoughts, and wallowing in misery then my home is guaranteed to be a miserable place.  My children definitely feed off my mood and although sometimes my oldest drives me to the breaking point....if I actually break it only gets worse! My pastor just said in his sermon this past Sunday, "Do not let your mind become the devil's dumping ground."  That really stuck with me.  I felt like I had totally let my guard down and was letting all manner of negative thoughts in my mind.  "You're not a good parent".  "What you do all day is not important."  "When will this be over."  I'll tell you right now who these thoughts are NOT from, the Lord.  As my son who say, "Shoo Mr. Devil, be gone!"


I am totally a work in progress.  I have never realized how much pride was an obstacle in my heart until the past year.  This parenting journey has humbled me so much, and trust me, I know there is more work to be done there but I am really trying to surrender my pride to the Lord.  I'm confident one day I'll be back to posting things like this...        








In the meantime, thank you for your encouragement and prayers.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

overwhelmed.

My absence from blogging for the past several months has not been because we've been too busy gallavanting in green pastures and having the "most fun ever!!!".  The lack of blogging has been because I am utterly worn out by the "normal?" demands of motherhood and I feel like I have nothing to share or contribute.  I have been in a very intense season of mothering and I'm not sure how much I want to share here for all to read but suffice it to say, it's been very difficult and draining.  My days feel like I'm on a battlefield (with a 3 year old adversary) and by the end of the day I feel wounded and bleeding.  To come to the blog and post pictures of all the fun we've been having just seems fake and inconsisent with my reality.

The littlest things have become difficult.  Getting out to the grocery store.  Having a playdate.  "Normal" life.  It's hard.  I feel like my plate is completely full and the thought of adding even one more responsibility to my life is more than I can handle.  I don't want to write about how I don't use paper towels anymore or how to make natural cleaners and why dryer sheets will give you cancer.  The truth is I'm back to using paper towels and buying cleaners because I'm just trying to stay above water.  I don't even want to read my favorite blogs anymore because it seems like everyone is posting about how to do or be more and I'm just thinking in my head "no!".  I don't want to learn 9 more ways to detoxify my home or 4 things your kids should be doing or 10 ways to decrease screen time.  George Banks is saying NO!  (Father of the bride if you didn't get it.)

I find myself wondering.  Is it this hard for everyone?  Will it get easier?  Why is this so hard for me?  I never thought it would be THIS hard.  I feel ill equipped, un-prepared and generally bad at my job most days.  I feel out smarted, out willed, out lasted by a 3 year old on the regular.  It's a bad feeling.  I want to write this down as unpleasant as it is to even write it, because I want to remember.  I've asked my mom who had FOUR kids if she ever felt this way and her reply is, "I just don't remember".  I understand and I'm not blaming her one bit.  I only have 2 kids and it's amazing what you forget even in a couple years time!  But if I ever have the priviledge of being her age and having a young mother talk to me about feeling this way I want to tell her I understand and I remember what it was like.  It's the hardest thing ever and depending on your child's unique temperment it can be going-to-battle-everyday-hard.  I would want to validate her experience with my own.

The good news? I am humbled.  I am weak.  I am truly needy of Jesus.  I am truly needy of grace.  I'm believing the best is yet to come.