My absence from blogging for the past several months has not been because we've been too busy gallavanting in green pastures and having the "most fun ever!!!". The lack of blogging has been because I am utterly worn out by the "normal?" demands of motherhood and I feel like I have nothing to share or contribute. I have been in a very intense season of mothering and I'm not sure how much I want to share here for all to read but suffice it to say, it's been very difficult and draining. My days feel like I'm on a battlefield (with a 3 year old adversary) and by the end of the day I feel wounded and bleeding. To come to the blog and post pictures of all the fun we've been having just seems fake and inconsisent with my reality.
The littlest things have become difficult. Getting out to the grocery store. Having a playdate. "Normal" life. It's hard. I feel like my plate is completely full and the thought of adding even one more responsibility to my life is more than I can handle. I don't want to write about how I don't use paper towels anymore or how to make natural cleaners and why dryer sheets will give you cancer. The truth is I'm back to using paper towels and buying cleaners because I'm just trying to stay above water. I don't even want to read my favorite blogs anymore because it seems like everyone is posting about how to do or be more and I'm just thinking in my head "no!". I don't want to learn 9 more ways to detoxify my home or 4 things your kids should be doing or 10 ways to decrease screen time. George Banks is saying NO! (Father of the bride if you didn't get it.)
I find myself wondering. Is it this hard for everyone? Will it get easier? Why is this so hard for me? I never thought it would be THIS hard. I feel ill equipped, un-prepared and generally bad at my job most days. I feel out smarted, out willed, out lasted by a 3 year old on the regular. It's a bad feeling. I want to write this down as unpleasant as it is to even write it, because I want to remember. I've asked my mom who had FOUR kids if she ever felt this way and her reply is, "I just don't remember". I understand and I'm not blaming her one bit. I only have 2 kids and it's amazing what you forget even in a couple years time! But if I ever have the priviledge of being her age and having a young mother talk to me about feeling this way I want to tell her I understand and I remember what it was like. It's the hardest thing ever and depending on your child's unique temperment it can be going-to-battle-everyday-hard. I would want to validate her experience with my own.
The good news? I am humbled. I am weak. I am truly needy of Jesus. I am truly needy of grace. I'm believing the best is yet to come.