Wednesday, May 9, 2012

overwhelmed.

My absence from blogging for the past several months has not been because we've been too busy gallavanting in green pastures and having the "most fun ever!!!".  The lack of blogging has been because I am utterly worn out by the "normal?" demands of motherhood and I feel like I have nothing to share or contribute.  I have been in a very intense season of mothering and I'm not sure how much I want to share here for all to read but suffice it to say, it's been very difficult and draining.  My days feel like I'm on a battlefield (with a 3 year old adversary) and by the end of the day I feel wounded and bleeding.  To come to the blog and post pictures of all the fun we've been having just seems fake and inconsisent with my reality.

The littlest things have become difficult.  Getting out to the grocery store.  Having a playdate.  "Normal" life.  It's hard.  I feel like my plate is completely full and the thought of adding even one more responsibility to my life is more than I can handle.  I don't want to write about how I don't use paper towels anymore or how to make natural cleaners and why dryer sheets will give you cancer.  The truth is I'm back to using paper towels and buying cleaners because I'm just trying to stay above water.  I don't even want to read my favorite blogs anymore because it seems like everyone is posting about how to do or be more and I'm just thinking in my head "no!".  I don't want to learn 9 more ways to detoxify my home or 4 things your kids should be doing or 10 ways to decrease screen time.  George Banks is saying NO!  (Father of the bride if you didn't get it.)

I find myself wondering.  Is it this hard for everyone?  Will it get easier?  Why is this so hard for me?  I never thought it would be THIS hard.  I feel ill equipped, un-prepared and generally bad at my job most days.  I feel out smarted, out willed, out lasted by a 3 year old on the regular.  It's a bad feeling.  I want to write this down as unpleasant as it is to even write it, because I want to remember.  I've asked my mom who had FOUR kids if she ever felt this way and her reply is, "I just don't remember".  I understand and I'm not blaming her one bit.  I only have 2 kids and it's amazing what you forget even in a couple years time!  But if I ever have the priviledge of being her age and having a young mother talk to me about feeling this way I want to tell her I understand and I remember what it was like.  It's the hardest thing ever and depending on your child's unique temperment it can be going-to-battle-everyday-hard.  I would want to validate her experience with my own.

The good news? I am humbled.  I am weak.  I am truly needy of Jesus.  I am truly needy of grace.  I'm believing the best is yet to come.



6 comments:

MoMuir said...

I never comment and I found you through a friends blog but I felt I could say something here. I too am a mother of two actually around the same age. It is hard! My oldest is Autistic and "lively" and my 10 month old is just as "lively" as his brother. My days are usually just doing what "needs" to be done and giving into the idea that it all can not be done always. I have figured out that we just need to breathe and deal with what we can. I hear "me time" helps but who really gets that? I guess I really just wanted to say that you are not alone.

I pray you can find your way out of this chaos and overwhelmed feeling and get back to where you feel comfortable. Just take it one day at a time ( ok I hate cliche sayings too but it is all I got)

P.S. love the Father of the Bride referenece :) I got it right away

esther. said...

You sincerity is refreshing even though it's not regarding the happiest of circumstances. I've been overwhelmed too and when people ask me how I'm doing, I often forget that most people say great instead of how they are ACTUALLY doing and get confused by the look of surprise when I say, I'm ok. I think allowing ourselves to be honest with people will open the door for the much needed encouragement and care that others have to offer. I do believe what you said though, this is just a season. Who knows for how long and who knows what the transition will be like. One of the biggest encouragements I have found through my time in the land of being overwhelmed as been the book Jesus Calling. The 30 seconds it takes me to read those words each day (but let's be honest, this happens maybe once a week) are some of the most cherished and most encouraging moments. If you don't have the book already, definitely buy it. I hope things start looking up for you soon.

Laura F. said...

Praying for you momma! God has given you this challenge b/c he KNOWS how strong you are.

xoxo

Every Scrap Countz said...

I absolutely understand, and I also know some moms just don't. If you've never experienced a difficult boy (or child), your days are just simple! My Bailey is just so easy that I almost feel like I have a real life:) And, then, Cole gets home and it's a different story: a battle, as you called it! All I can say is HOLD ON, PRAY HARD! You will make it. Find things that do bring you joy! And, don't be afraid to put him in school FULLTIME to give you a break! It breaks my heart, but Cole is at school now from 8-3 (and it's still somehow hard!)!

You're not alone!

rachel said...

You are not alone! My son is a VERY active 2 year old and I cannot turn my back on him for a second. The house is usually a wreck and I hate it. I stopped working at the beginning of my pregnancy which might be the reason I feel frustrated. I got used keeping my house perfect and doing lots of little things for my husband. Then the baby came and everything changed! Everyone says it gets easier, but it hasn't for me. I'm not unhappy or miserable, I just don't feel like it is easier.

Betty Mills said...

Mallory - Your honesty in this post is humbling. I can't believe I left you a message about making strawberry preserves, when the grocery store is full of it and it's full of sugar anyway! I would be happy to come over and sit for your kids if you and Jackson would like to do dinner and a movie. Just about any night would work.